My Teenage Life

Growing up i always knew what i wanted to be:
not an engineer or an architect, but a lawyer. loved.
maybe right in my spare time.

i remember the man that once became a part of my teenage life.

he talked to me. told me stories, shared his secrets, trusted me to keep them, shared his feelings. He wasn't afraid to care about me. he listened to me, never laughed at my secrets, never betrayed my trust, treasured my feelings, wasn't afraid to let me love him, in fact he cherished my love of him. i knew he'd never leave me. he like spending time with me. he is always there. he like to hug me, be close to me, hold my hand, look at me and let me look at him. he thought i was beautiful. he was never too busy to stop what he was doing long enough to give me a hug. he always knew what i needed, even before i said anything.

if i was sad, he knew and he'd let me cry, even if there was "nothing" to cry about, and he'd dry my tears. i could get upset, and that was okay, just because i got mad and didn't mean he'd go away. he let me hide behind him, but also protect him. he kept me under control, when i felt there was no control. he let me stumble on occasion, but always caught me before i hit the ground. he kept me warm. he let me be me. he didnt tell me to change. he accepted me as iam. he is always there when i woke up from a bad dream, and made the bad things go away. he helped me. he let me help him.

as a child, i would read fairy tales, one of my favorite was beauty and the beast. and yet i didn't want the fairy tale. i wanted "him". all the others were so stupid. i didn't want the "prince charming", she didn't even know him. i wanted the beast. i wanted a real person who wasn't "perfect" by the standards of the world, i wanted someone who would take time to get to know me, who could understand that "perfection" comes in love. being in loving, loving and letting love be what love is going to be. Beauty and the beast was the best fairy tale example of "unconditional love" that there was. they got to know each other and love grew. And that is what i wanted. imperfections and all.

maybe the loneliness of my childhood is what made "him" so real, but as i said, the insane part is, "he" was the break in the loneliness and i could close my eyes, and feel him next to me, and i wasn't scared. never in my life had anyone or anything brought that comfort.

as time passes by, i had to send "him" away. i started thinking i was insane. i wasn't living in a fairy tale and i never would. "he" had been my escape for so long that i felt like my best friend had just died.

but "he" came back, my friends, sister and i used to talk about "him". "he" was however different when "he" came back. as a teenager, "he" is now just my friend. all my life he was there, just waiting for me. but now,
i admit, i still love him but i do not like him anymore.